Sunday, May 18, 2014

To Live or Die: My experience with wanting to end my life


                                    "When I began revealing the pieces of myself that were 
                            hardest to share, is when real love and connection were present."
                                                                   ~Nancy Levin


It's Monday night April 28, 2014.  I arrived in Fort Lauderdale, Florida earlier today. It's around 8:00pm and I'm in a hotel, far away from "home". I can't stop crying. I feel this pain in my heart.  Not like a heart attack feeling, but an emotional pain that is so intense.  This aching feeling is getting stronger and stronger. There are so many "reasons", I'm feeling the way I do. I feel alone, completely and utterly alone.  I don't even reach out to Heavenly Father because I'm done. I don't want to continue.

Five nights ago I had similar thoughts and feelings, but there is a difference between not wanting to live and wanting to die.  Five nights ago I reached the point that I didn't want to live. I text my best friend which turned into her calling me. I shared with her that I'm tired. I can't keep going. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. "I'm done, I'm tired, I can't keep doing this" I kept saying over and over to her between my hysterical crying.

She knows my brother took his life.  She asks if I'd promise her something. She asks me to never say those words again.  To honor my brother and to please not put her, and my family through the pain of losing me. I knew I couldn't promise her, but I tell her I'll try.

It's five nights later and I'm curled up in the fetal position on an unfamiliar bed, in a not so nice of a hotel, in the middle of nowhere in Fort Lauderdale.  I'm crying uncontrollably.  I've reached a deeper, darker place than ever, in my almost 34 years on this earth.  I've gone from not wanting to live to actually wanting to die.  I can't imagine inflicting pain on myself like slitting my wrists, but I could take a bottle of ibuprofen....

I want to end this hurting I can't make go away.  I want to end this unfulfilled life I see ahead of me. I say over and over out loud, "I'm tired.  I'm done.  I can't keep going."  It's like I want Heavenly Father to hear me and just make my heart stop beating.  Just put me out of my misery.  I don't have a rental car and I'm out in the middle of nowhere so a grocery store is not close by for me to get a bottle of ibuprofen.

This pain and darkness goes on for a few hours and then all of a sudden, I stop crying.  I go from crying uncontrollably in one moment, then in an instant, my tears stop and this calming feeling comes over me. Almost as if I was rocked to sleep by someone, but I'm awake, sitting up in bed, wondering how I went from crying uncontrollably and so much physical pain in my chest, to this calmness that I'm feeling.

I know that it's Heavenly Father and maybe my brother too..  I know there is no other way to go from such a deep dark pit about to swallow me up, to a stillness, a calmness as I lie here, staring at the blank television.
I stand up to use the bathroom and somehow my mind takes me back to the morning of my 14th birthday...


I turn 14 today! I'm excited for the fun day ahead of me as I get ready for the day.  My mom walks into my room and tells me ,"Darin came into the living room last night and told your Dad and I that his stomach hurt, and that he swallowed all the pills in a bottle of ibuprofen.  We took him to the hospital to have his stomach pumped.  He's ok, we can go later today to see him."

I'm confused....I ask my mom, "Why did he swallow the pills? "  She tells me that he was trying to kill himself.

I'm in a bit of shock, tears are rolling down my face and my mom reaches to hug me.  I can't believe my brother tried to kill himself.... Why? Why would he do that?  My mom sits with me for a few minutes and holds me as I cry.  When I start to calm down, she leaves to go upstairs.  The first thing I do is take out my Book of Mormon (scriptures that are another testament of Christ).  I let the book fall open to whatever page, trusting that I would read the perfect words that I need right now.

It opens to 2 Nephi 31:20 (page 114) and it reads:
"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father:  Ye shall have eternal life."


This scripture has gotten me through a lot in my life.  No matter what trial I go through, this scripture always comes to mind and I am reminded to "Endure to the end".  I think of these words as I leave the dingy little bathroom in my hotel room and go back to the bed.  Endure to the end and I will have eternal life....perfect brightness of hope.....but I have no hope, no faith, it's all gone....

I now understand why my brother, almost 3 years after my 14th birthday, nearly 16 years ago, overdosed and successfully ended his life.  I feel some of the pain he must have felt to be so desperate to want to leave this world.

My best friends words ring in my ears "Promise me that you will honor your brother, and please don't put me, and your family, through the pain of losing you."

I have a choice to make....I have four whole days until my writing workshop with my favorite author, Dr. Wayne Dyer.  I can either stay day and night in this hotel room, which may result in me actually going through with ending my life.... OR I can create something that will bring me a bit of joy, and hope it will lead me out of depression.

I think about going to the Florida Keys which are just a few hours drive away.  But almost as soon as the thought comes into my mind, it is replaced with the thought of having to put a rental car and extra expenses on a credit card.  This trip is already costing me way more than I had planned because of an unexpected twist of staying with someone, to now having to pay for a hotel for 8 nights.  I don't want to go into credit card debt.....

I remember the dark place I was in minutes earlier.  My life is LITERALLY at stake here.  I choose not to care about the money, I know somehow, it will work out, it always does.  I'm exhausted from hours of crying and I manage to fall asleep after reserving a rental car for the next morning.


I am filled with awe as I drive over bridge after bridge above this beautiful, clear, turquoise water.  I spend some time at a few beaches, do some shopping and watch the sunset from the incredible, 7 mile bridge, which was absolutely breathtaking!  The most fun of all is when I went scuba diving off Key West to the Vandenberg!  It's the 2nd largest artificial reef in the WORLD!! It sits about 140 feet down on the ocean floor in the corner of the BERMUDA TRIANGLE! That's right, I went scuba diving in the Bermuda Triangle!  I did 2 dives, 95 feet down to the ship, and it was incredible!

Two days later, I make it back to that lonely hotel in Fort Lauderdale with more hope for the future and with so much gratitude, that out of the darkest moments in my life, I remembered the principles of creating.  If it weren't for creating something to bring me joy, I may not be alive today to tell you my story.

It's time for my "Writing From The Soul" Workshop with Dr. Wayne Dyer and Reid Tracy.  I come to realize that me reaching those darkest moments of my life, were a gift.  Dr. Dyer tells us a few times, how he has received letters where people have told him that they were going to end their life.  But they turned on the T.V. and saw him and chose to live because of something he said. Or they read something he wrote and chose to live.

One woman at the workshop went up to Dr. Dyer on the break and told him she once had taken a gun to a hotel room planning to kill herself, when she had a thought to turn on the television.  Dr. Dyer was on t.v. and whatever he said, stopped her from pulling the trigger.

I'm in the audience in tears as I realize why everything happened.  How I got to such a dark place.  How I went from 6 months ago, living my dream of traveling the world by myself for 3 months, to wanting to end my life, and why I'm here this weekend.  I have been given a gift.  I have learned first hand how to create something when it doesn't look possible, how to live a life I love!  But the last 6 months, I have not been living a life I love.  I'm not writing a book that I've felt prompted to write for YEARS, and I'm not blogging, which I've also felt prompted to do. I'm not sharing my gifts and it's killing me from the inside out.

I am so unfulfilled in life!  I'm not living my life's purpose and because of this, I've been depressed for months.  Why am I not living my life's purpose?  What's at the source of me not living and doing what brings me so much joy??  Follow me on this blog as I take you through The Art of Creating Miracles.  I will reveal the answers to these questions and share with you what I have learned, about how to create something when you have no idea how to make it happen.

I finally have a sense of urgency like I've never had before.  If there is only ONE person who is inspired to transform their life, from something I write, my writing will be worth it.  Or God willing that these words reach someone who is in a similar mindset as I was in of wanting to die, and you choose to find a purpose to live...every painful moment in my life will be worth it.

If you are in that place of not wanting to live, or wanting to end your life, please please find something to bring you some kind of joy NOW.  What is something you've always wanted to do but never have??  What are some of your hobbies, passions?  Also please reach out to someone who cares about you and do what I didn't do...PRAY!

At the workshop I went to in Florida, Dr. Dyer shares these words from his new book "I Can See Clearly Now",

"Never forget that you are one of a kind.  Never forget that if there weren't any need for you in all your uniqueness to be on this earth, you wouldn't be here in the first place.  And never forget, no matter how overwhelming life's challenges and problems seem to be, that one person can make a difference in the world.  In fact, it is always because of one person that all changes that matter in the world come about.  So be that one person."

Please follow me on my journey this summer as I share all that I'm writing about in my book.  I will be putting to practice the VERY principles of how to Create Miracles as I transform my health and fitness, and FINALLY live my life's purpose of empowering others to Create a Life you Love!

The FIRST principle to Create a Miracle in your life, is to "Tell The Truth".  We need to first know where we are, to get where we want to go.  In the next post, I will publish on or before Memorial day, I'll take you through taking a "snapshot" of your life.  So many of us have been numbing ourselves and haven't been telling the truth to ourselves, let alone those we love, about how unfulfilled we are.  Or if you are fulfilled, this is still the first step in taking areas of your life to the next level, reaching farther than you ever have.

Please help me honor my brothers life and share this blog with anyone you know who suffers from depression, suicidal thoughts or anyone else who would love to learn how to Create Miracles in their life.

Achieving dreams that look completely impossible is a gift I have been given and am finally ready to share with the world!

One thing that has stopped me from sharing my writing is my imperfect grammar.  I promise there will be LOTS of grammatical errors etc. This is no longer going to stop me from sharing with the world, this message that God has given me.

Nancy Levin, who is a published author and spoke at the writing workshop I was at in Fort Lauderdale, ended the workshop with these words below and inspired me to have the courage to share the deepest darkest moments of my life in this post.  Thank you Nancy!

                                   "When I began revealing the pieces of myself that were 
                            hardest to share, is when real love and connection were present."
                                                                   ~Nancy Levin

Sunset next to the 7 mile bridge in the Florida Keys!

                                    Diving in the Bermuda Triangle off Key West to the Vandenberg Ship wreck.